A Soul Sucking Hiss

I Can’t Get No…


Well, I guess I can get a little bit of that sweet satisfaction. I’m not talking about sex here folks, this is a fucking family blog. I’m talking about the little things in life. The things we are all supposed to be appreciating. Those unscheduled moments where we realize we are capable of happiness, though it be fleeting.

I feel like at this point people will start waxing poetic about how we were more in tune with these tiny magical moments in a time before this or that. But every new advancement is a chance for those who are unable to find a few seconds of bliss to blame it on something they don’t understand.

“The reason kids don’t play outside anymore is because of smart phones.”

“Before that Keurig coffee machine, life was slower and people didn’t mind waiting for coffee.”

“We need to get this country back.”

You know, total shit like that. The type of things people say when the inside of their heads looks like a small town Kmart. No imagination.

The truth is that little joys and small nuggets of satisfaction are created. If you’re not having those moments, it’s because you have lost an ability, not because the world has gained an advancement. It’s up to your sorry, beige ass to make sure that additions to the world create more opportunities for happiness.

I’m sorry, that was racist, not all asses are beige…but it was more of a metaphor than a literal observation. I don’t really care what color your ass is, just shut the fuck up about kids these days and how things were better before…blah blah blah. Life has always sucked, and it always will. New ways for it to suck will continue to be created so you might as well stay ahead of the game.

I recently experienced one such moment of pure satisfaction and it was completely unexpected. I didn’t create the moment, but I did allow myself to recognize it. Same fucking thing.

It all started with a rash of ear bud thefts in the office. It was a huge deal because we had to listen to everything. People with allergies were sucking up their snot. Cheerful people were making it a point to say “good morning” to everyone in the office. Truly, it was a dark day.

Thanks to the crap insurance that the global corporation that owns my company provides, we had plenty of XYZ Company swag ear buds that my manager had hoarded. I grabbed a pair and went to put the buds in my ears when I realized that the y-cord part was still attached, making it an “I” cord, I guess. I pulled the buds apart and was so overwhelmed with satisfaction of the feeling of making the I into a Y that I actually chuckled to myself.

Now, the actual ear buds themselves sucked, even for free ones. They had a loud hiss to them that sounded like our parent corporation’s sucking of souls, but they were free and I discovered a satisfaction I had forgotten about.

If you look hard enough and learn to recognize satisfying moments, they can be everywhere. A puddle that has just iced over but only has the thin, unbroken frame of ice that you can break with your shoe. The can or bag of coffee that you are just breaking the seal on. You hear that suck of air that is totally different than the sound of soul sucking and the thick, brown smell of roasted coffee beans fills the air. The piece of food that has been stuck between your teeth creating a most annoying pressure suddenly being dislodged (promptly and grossly swallowed). The sneeze that has been hanging out in the bridge of your nose and despite the ridiculous faces and hand flapping you are doing, hasn’t yet left your face, finally coming out in a super loud shower of germs.

You all know I’m right.



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