I once asked a friend of mine why he didn’t read my blog. I was hoping he would have at least glanced at it since he is a notoriously funny guy with a cool podcast. When pressed he finally said, “I don’t have time to read a ‘mommy blog'”. Ugh. A mommy blog? I was disappointed, but I could see why he would think that is what I was writing. Most female bloggers tend to keep their subjects within the acceptable parameters of female writers: kids, home, cooking, fashion, makeup, relationships, DIY and you get the drift.
Now, that being said, I do not think I have what can traditionally be categorized as a “Mommy Blog”. Therefore today’s subject will be…
I know it’s a decidedly mommy subject and while I do not consider my writing to constantly fall in that category, I think I can write about it once in a fucking while. Fuck.
This post is not going to be a “how to potty train your kid” post. Nope, not at all. It’s about what a goddam shit show potty training can be. Literally…well, it was literally when Joey was in the phase of modern arting our carpet with his diaper deliveries, but luckily he has gotten past that stage in his life. The poop painting stage.
Currently we are trying to get the whole potty thing going. We start and then something happens. Joey gets sick and loses control of his bowels for a weekend. We have visitors or a long trip. I just can’t stop drinking wine. It’s always something.
I have people telling me “he’s just not ready.” Bullshit. Every so often he will take himself to the bathroom, flush, wash his hands and act like it ain’t no thang. But if we ever dare to ask him if he has to go potty and try and steer him toward a room that contains a toilet he will lose his fucking mind.
I have people telling me “all I had to do what put so-and-so in real underwear and they didn’t like the feeling of being dirty and that was that.” Well, great, but what if your kid has no issue with stewing in his own filth? What if the amateur Thomas the Tank Engine video from Japan he is currently watching is SO engaging that no amount of pee in the world could tear him away? Yeah, what about that?
I have people telling me “when he sees that his friends use the potty, he will want to too.” Well, my son is the type of kid who doesn’t care what anyone does unless that person is one of his parents telling him what to do. He is perfectly find doing his own thing. He couldn’t care less about all of the kids using the potty. If peeing your pants was cool, consider my 3.5 year-old Miles Davis.*
So, what do we do? We spend a small fortune on potty seats: padded ones, character ones, pee guard/no pee guard. We buy a kick-ass Thomas potty chair that plays music when you put pee in it…yeah, that kid knows how to get the music to play without actually having to use it for it’s specific use. We bought these diapers that have an alarm system on them that will alert you when there is wetness so that you can toss your kid right on the pot so that they get the connection between peeing and potty…well, my kid just thought his pants were on fire for a second and that was about it. Well eff.
Basically what I have is a kid who just doesn’t give a shit or a piss. He is able and sometimes willing to use the potty, but it is always on his terms; not our terms nor his bladder’s terms. What do we do with this kid? Do they have potty training boot camp? Can we send him to a scared straight program? Can we just pump him full of drugs for overactive bladder issues and hope that by the time he finally has to go pee he will me ready to listen to reason?
Of course we will keep trying. I mean, there is the whole thing about him growing up and gaining independence, but really I am worried about other people judging me. I know they see that diaper hanging out of his pants and thinking that I am some kind of terrible mother. And that might be true…but they shouldn’t know it just by looking at my son. I know how to cover my tracks better than that.
*Please tell me you get this reference.