Polygamy and Pets

There’s a strange thing that happens when you go from having 4-legged children to those of the biped variety.  No, I am not talking about when your little baby starts walking, but rather when you were a pet parent and then became a parent to a human baby.

If you have a dog, Rover might get super excited and just count down the days until this tiny human learns to play, or at least how to throw things.  Dogs can be protective of babies and almost claim them as their own.  They know what’s best for the family and, damn it, this tiny human is FAMILY, so back up off my baby, pal.

Cats, on the other hand will give you a look that says “what we had was beautiful and now look what you’ve done”.  As soon as you bring that baby home, your cat is bound and determined to be the most annoying creature on the face of the planet.  Imagine Regina George from Mean Girls with a puffy tail…yeah, it’s that bad.

Cats view their relationships with people as a monogamous one where they have all of the control.  You may have removed their ability to procreate, but they’re still in charge.  They have let you into their lives and they have decided that you are functioning well as their “person” and decided to keep you.  Once that baby is in the picture though, you have turned the corner and entered into a really awkward polygamy type situation where no one wins.

Things change so much for everyone.  The baby was once breathing through a tube giving it your blood and now it’s in this cold, bright place and it doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.  You used to be able to sleep and not cry at people winning on The Price Is Right, but hormones and a baby who likes to party all night have turned you into a complete wreck of a human being.  And your cat…your cat who used to get fed at 4:30pm on the dot now has to meow for food.  What’s worse is that instead of you jumping up to feed said feline, a throw pillow is thrown at him instead and hurtful swear words are uttered in the cat’s direction.  That’s why they’re called “throw pillows” right?

So, here is your cat.  He now isn’t fed until 4:37pm and that spot on your lap is taken up by that siren that shits mustard.  His life is ruined and there is only one course of action left to bring the balance back. He must turn into a dick.  Now is the phase in his life where he will barf at will, he will knock shit off of counters, he will eat plants, and he will sing the song of his people all fucking night and wake up that bald noise machine.  He knows he isn’t “first wife” even though he was here first and you are going to realize what a HUGE mistake you have made.

I think for cats it’s called “Operations What-Are-You-Gonna-Do-About-It”.  If you have cats, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  They won’t take your baby’s breath like old-wives tales would have you believe, but they will drain you of the little bit of sanity you have left. Slowly…with no remorse.