Happy Tooth Baggie Day

Last week Mike and I found a bag of human teeth in our kitchen.

I should really end this post right there because even though that’s a crazy thing that really happened, the rest of our life is so mundane that we can’t even use a bag of serial killer trophies to make us seem more exciting.  Seriously, usually people are doing something exciting when they happened upon a discovery like that…or at least looking for something like a bag of teeth for some exciting reason.  Nope, we were cleaning out the kitchen drawers getting rid of used up towels and clothes.  Whoooooooo!

Right, so there I was sitting on the kitchen floor tossing out towel after tired towel.  One of my drawers wasn’t closing properly.  There seemed to be something behind the drawer that I couldn’t reach.  I would like to blame my tiny arms here, but I actually think it was the betrayal of my stubby fingers which prevented me finding the bag of teeth first.

In swept Mike with his smarts.  Mike just took the drawer off the track and reached in and found the “treasure”.  At first I thought it was bit of cereal in a baggie, but after noticing it was labeled “October 2008” I wondered why anyone would be storing cereal on a monthly basis.  It was Mike who first realized that the bag contained teeth.  Probably 6 of them.  He was mighty creeped out and I couldn’t blame him.  I mean, most people would get at least a slight case of the eebie-jeebies after a find like that.

I didn’t get creeped out.  I am admitting for the first time here that I was actually extremely excited and happy.  What a fucking find!  I walked around with this look on my face for like an hour:


I was so enchanted with the idea that I began to be a little afraid of my reaction.  Was I feeling joy over what could be the remains of murdered souls who would then haunt me?  Was I happy that I wasn’t the only one who wanted collect the body parts of others?  Maybe I could find something cool to do with those teeth on Pinterest.  No, none of those things are true.  You couldn’t pay me enough to actually touch those teeth.  It was gross and weird.

Here’s what I think was going on with me…I was happy that things in life could still give me a thrill and surprise me.  We tend to only think that life’s big moments are worth our excitement, but maybe if we keep something from childhood in us we can see wonder in so much more.  It really was the most macabre way to find out I still had childlike wonder…true, it might be a very Wednesday Adams version of wonder, but it’s still there.

Really, I think that the underlying motive of my blogging is to try and keep a window into the innocent part of my brain.  Not the part of my brain that doesn’t know what a penis looks like…not that type of innocence, but rather being the opposite of jaded type.  I find myself looking at the world differently.

I can find a hero in a high school kid wearing a bowler hat.  He’s a fucking national treasure.

I can see some semblance of entertainment in preschool poop being ground into my carpet.

I can still giggle whenever I hear “burst into flames”.

It’s pretty easy to stay happy these days.  Even if my kids are acting like God damn spawns of Satan and all I want is to lock myself in the bathroom for one fucking minute to myself.


And there it is folks, the bag of human teeth that got me giddy as a school girl!  The bag is labeled “October 2008”.  We moved into this house in July of 2012. Those are not our teeth. What the fuck happened to that family in October 2008?  Can we expect to find more baggies?  I hope each tooth bag brings me as much joy as the first.

And a very happy tooth baggie day to you, too!

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4 Responses to Happy Tooth Baggie Day

  1. Brad says:

    You’re a tooth bag


  2. Mike says:

    Our two responses were pretty interesting. I was pretty creeped out and was trying to figure out what the hell happened in October of 2008, while Mina was positively giddy like a schoolgirl.

    And I actually did look behind the other drawers in that stack, expecting to find another bag, this time containing human fingers or eyeballs or some other body part. I did find another bag of stuff, but it was the plastic covers we had lost a bit ago. Definitely not as creepy..


  3. Becky says:

    All I can picture is the owner of these teeth going through their collection…’August 2008, September 2008, wait, what? What the fuck happened to my October 2008 collection??!’


    • Mike says:

      Even if you DO have a collection like that (and let’s be honest, they probably do), do you really keep that in your kitchen drawers? I’m wondering if the cedar closet downstairs was really some sort of dungeon or torture chamber that they renovated before selling the place.


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