Man Dumps

There comes a point in your life where you choose to settle down, maybe get one of those spouses, pop out a few kids and maybe spend more than your life worth on a house.  You’ve done it…you’ve started a family and now you can spend the rest of you life trying to find a way to get the fuck away from them.

That’s right.  You get married, have kids and buy a container to house all of you and then all you want is to go to the bathroom by your goddamn self and have some peace and fucking quiet.  You can’t get enough alone time.  It’s all you crave and you’ll grasp at straws to get it.  A trip the the gynecologist could become a vacation because even though there’s a doctor all up in your lady business, at least there isn’t a toddler poking around in there and hopefully, no one is screaming.

I find myself doing the oddest things to get some “me” time.  Someone smarter than me would go out more, but I am not smart, nor do I care for “other people”, so I need to find ways to be alone at home.  The good thing is that because I am a stay-at-home parent, just about any time where I am not being climbed, barfed on or screamed at is a mini-vacation.

Anytime spent alone while “on duty…or doody” isn’t really the same type of relief because you are always waiting for something to happen.  In the rare moments when both of my sons would nap at the same time, I just got as much done as I could without those two little tornados, but I was always on edge because I just knew one of them would wake up as soon as I sat down.

So, while my husband is at home or another responsible adult is in possession of my children I find myself grasping at moments of solitude.  I have taken to loitering in the shower.  The water company must think we have a 13 year old boy living here.  I will branch off from my husband to shop for groceries on my own.  I’ll take forever  to really contemplate which deodorant is best suiting my mood.  I will pretend to take “man dumps” meaning that while it usually only takes a few minutes for me to do my business, I will take as long as my husband usually does and just sit and read for awhile.

Yes, I do all of these things, and I know a lot of you do as well.  The fact is that we have a family and love them more than anything, but then spend a great deal of time trying to figure out how to get the fuck away from those clingy bastards.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my boys, but I also love my sanity and will do what it takes to maintain it…even if it is drinking a whole bottle of wine by myself on a Tuesday evening.

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