Ah, my petits enculès, how I have missed you. Imagine I am Pepè Le Pew trying to woo you. Muah muah muah. I don’t speak French, but if you do what I did and use Google Translate to decode the phrase above you may get a chuckle. Or maybe it will be like a game of telephone and the message will be horribly confusing. “Ah, moose knuckle.” Or something like that.
Previously I posted a “Hate List” where I was allowed to hate a few things and maybe even use the word to describe my feelings. The list in this post will be similar, but it’s more things that annoy me, things that “grind my gears” if you’re a Family Guy fan.
Vacuum lines: I personally do not prefer carpets. I think they are constantly dirty and dripping with Ebola. It’s this reason that I am a very frequent vacuumer.
Vacuuming is very satisfying. There you are just slowly walking around and letting a machine do most of the work. I happen to have a very sleek Shark vacuum that is red and white and my friend’s little boy calls it a “race car”. So, pushing this very sexy sucker around makes me feel like I really doing something to these tuberculosis soaked carpets.
After a good vacuuming session I like to survey my handiwork. Looking over the tawny flat expanse of my front room, seeing the vacuum lines breaking my carpet into dozens of clean sections. Oh, it just gives me great joy. It’s the little things, ya know?
When next I look at my field of clean carpet, approximately 10 minutes later, the vacuum lines have been obliterated by my damn kids and the carpet appears to be writhing with smallpox! Why do carpets never look clean except for the 5 seconds where you can see the vacuum lines? If the carpet industry had ANY clue as to what really makes people happy, they would manufacture a carpet with vacuum lines as a permanent pattern. You’re welcome Carpet Tycoons!
Thomas the Tank Engine: Thomas can be an OBSESSION for some kids. There is something about that cheeky fucking engine that just hooks kids and reels them in to do his bidding. I have one of those kids. My oldest son is a total Thomas nerd.
As a show, it’s not really that bad. It’s pretty mellow and doesn’t rile the kids up like the other cartoons that are basically like having your kid at a rave with the flashing strobe light effect. The narration is kind of like having a book read to you and the engines do try to teach good lessons. But, if you watch something enough you start to pay attention and you notice that a lot of those engines are assholes. However, what you really notice is those trains have way too much power! Who are all of those drivers and other people on the island of Sodor letting machines make such terrible decisions? I mean, fuck, it’s like a child’s version of Maximum Overdrive. Someone is going to get hurt or killed. It’s the rise of the machines all up on the island of Sodor!
For those of you who do not have kids or who are not forced to watch Thomas, I apologize. No I don’t. You need to KNOW. It could save your life.
The CW: This one is obvious. Every single show on the CW is designed to suck. If you disagree with me on this one you are either 13 years old or brain dead.
My Kids: I know what you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, Mina. Your kids? You’re a terrible mother.”
I might be a terrible mother, but not for thinking my kids are annoying. It will probably be the swearing and letting them try booze.
The truth is that kids will drive you up a fucking wall every single day of their life. I love my kids with the strength of 1,000 Incredible Hulks, but those boys can really annoy the shit out of me. Joey does this keening war cry when you are trying to get him dressed that could drive me to murder. Franky is the neediest damn kid ever and I am not used to dragging 28 pounds of kid around by my pant leg while changing Banshee Boy’s ketchup covered pants.
Now, all of you perfect parents out there who have your mouths open in shock at what I am saying, close those fly traps. I have something to tell you.
Parenting. You’re doing it wrong.
Those little rays of sunshine that came out of your vagina or incision are made to test you and push boundaries. Childhood is a time where kids learn about life and what they can and cannot get away with. If you are never challenged by your child, you have some thinking to do because something is wrong. You might not be as “engaged” with your child as you think you are. Or, you actually have a doll that you have been treating like a real baby and you need help of a different kind. Or you dressed up a cat. That can be fun though because they fall over.
There you are my minuscules trous du cal. Please enjoy. Tell your friends. My followers have plateaued and I am feeling the lack of love and adoration. I need to be loved.