My three-year-old is a hot mess today. You don’t know the meaning of the term until you have a sick three-year-old who just can’t even function without crying or screaming. Everything is a goddamn catastrophe.
There are a lot of things about parenthood that cannot be taught or told. It’s the “hot stove” method of teaching. Until you experience it for yourself, you just have no fucking clue. That is why people without children like to smugly chalk everything shitty a kid does up to bad parenting. They just don’t fucking know. Fuckers.
Of course we are all surprised by the obvious stuff like how much you love that wrinkly screaming person that just came out of…your body. We are surprised by the amount of shit those little fuckers need. The rub is that they don’t actually NEED it until you didn’t bring it with you.
Some of the lesser known surprises involve the ways they invent to drive you out of your fucking mind. It starts really early in their lives, too. When my oldest was just 4 months old or so, he developed what we called “eat screaming”. During all of his bottles he would scream his head off between short drinking sessions. We thought it was the bottle, the nipple flow (hahahaha…nipple flow), or the milk…turns out he was just being an asshole.
You will probably be surprised by what your child becomes obsessed with in toddlerhood. It will almost always be something dangerous or disgusting and will never be a toy. Currently, my 14-month-old can’t get enough of the litter boxes in the laundry room. Given half a second of me not looking and he is in there sifting litter like he’s looking for gold. But it’s not gold in there…not even close. My nephew was completely captivated by electric fans. He would take them apart and was mildly electrocuted more than once.
Never underestimate your child’s ability to destroy everything you once loved. Your favorite TV show will soon be a distant memory as you will be 10 seasons behind as soon as that little shit is born. Drinking? Hahahahaha…kids make hangovers feel like being murdered would be a blessing. Friends? If they also have kids you will never see them again, say “good bye” now.
You will never have time again. Your life with be “busy” all fucking day. For some reason a child that is way too young to have social engagements will create so many “events” in your life that you must give up everything that isn’t directly related to what they need or want. Have lunch with your friends, well, not during nap time or you kid will turn into one of the ugly green gremlins that ate after midnight. You can’t go out with friends because your kids go to bed at 7:00pm. From morning until…well, morning, your child will rule your life. If you have more than one, you’re fucked.
Related to your being fucked by having kids, you will be surprised by how terroristic your pint-sized raggamuffin can be. Just like other jobs aren’t what they appear to be, neither is being a parent. A nurse doesn’t spend her time giving sponge baths to hot guys while wearing a sexy one-piece nurses uniform. No, they are covered from head to toe in bodily fluids and running from patient to patient. Being a parent is not all baby cuddles and baking cookies. You are also covered in bodily fluids and wondering how much further those fuckers can push you before you tie them up and sit down and have a very large martini and refuse to watch Caillou (for those of you who know who that is…that kid is a mother fucker, plain and simple.)
Oddly enough, no matter how chaotic and gross your days with your kids are, you can look at another parent and pinpoint everything you think they are doing wrong. “Can you believe that Sammy let’s her kids eat cheese and popcorn? Those kids will never poop again!”
You will be disgusted and mildly impressed with what your child finds delicious. Cat vomit on the floor? Don’t mind if I do! Delicious noodles and cheese? Fuck you, mom, I am not eating that.
So, kidless people, are you scared yet? Don’t be, because no matter what, when your child excitedly offers you some of the cat vomit they are currently enjoying you will gag and also notice how fucking cute they are. You may look like you’re auditioning to be a homeless transvestite (the ones who don’t know what they’re doing), but you make great looking babies…so you consider another. Well, eff.