I am not sure if a very “normal” life is a great canvas for my blogging art, or if it will bore the pants off of all of my readers and all 19 of my followers will be pantless. It is true that I lead a very quiet life and I like it this way. I don’t think I ever once promised you all a blog full of adventure and mystery. Nope, not even once. My real goal is to find the humor and beauty in everyday life because I truly appreciate this life I lead.
Shortly after my fall down the stairs adventure during which I simultaneously risked and saved my child’s life, my husband and I went on a Minnesota date. Well, more specifically it was an average date for a married couple with small children in MN. We went to Target without our kids. We meant to get our grocery shopping done and meet a buyer for a changing table I was selling on a Facebook garage sale site all in one trip.
While Mike shopped for our sustenance, I went out to meet the buyer. A changing table was sold and I walked back into the store to find Mike and make sure he bought the right fucking butter this time. I was poking around the dollar section when I thought it would be funny to send Mike this text, “I have been kidnapped.”
Minutes ticked by. I went to look at the Valentines and still never heard back from my husband. I didn’t exactly expect him to think I was kidnapped, but I did expect a fucking text back. He sent me out to meet that pregnant woman who bought my changing table like a lamb to the slaughter! I had just been banged up pretty good by a staircase and baby gate so I couldn’t run away if this buyer turned out to really be looking for a sex slave! What the fuck, Mike?
So, I continued to NOT look for Mike as I thought about what would happen after I was kidnapped. What would the news say? Would Mike be a suspect? Would the staff of 60 Minutes point out that I sent him a text that could have saved my life and he ignored it? Would Lifetime make a movie about it? I think I found Mike when I was trying to think of clever titles for my Lifetime movie.
Shopping for a Sex Slave: The Mina Osterlie Story
Unanswered Texts: He Could Have Saved Her
From Mom to Madam: A Minnesota Mystery
I don’t know, I am not a title writing genius like those people at Lifetime. Don’t ask that of me. I am traumatized.
So, when I finally found that SOB of a husband, he was completely engrossed in examining a package of Ball Park Franks seemingly unaware that my life was in danger. I haughtily walked up to him and tipped all of my impulse buys into the cart while asking him if he had received any texts. He looked bewildered and checked his phone and chuckled when he saw my text.
And this is when I really felt lucky to be alive. Less than an hour earlier I had been laying in a heap on the floor after a traumatic tumble which could have been catastrophic if not for my heroics and now I had narrowly escaped an attempted kidnapping only to be sold into sex slavery because my husband sent me out to meet a stranger at their vehicle and didn’t even keep his ringer on. When Mike tried to point out that I wasn’t kidnapped I was quick to show that my whits are what saved me and NOT him. When he then tried to point out that maybe if I had been kidnapped texting him and not calling 911 first wasn’t bright, I told him that my quick thinking had kept me from sex slavery.
It was at this point I decided I needed a beer and Mike and I finished shopping and got a beer where I proceeded to not talk to him but slayed his ass in Trivia Crack.
And that, dear readers, is how you win at marriage and life in general.